Our Daily Bread
 

Our Daily Bread

Oct 2 2011

The gaps between scans seem to last forever, but we know that eventually the next one will come around. This week will see Camille go for her second scan since completing treatment and although we are well over two years since that first diagnosis, the anxiety leading to this scan has probably been as bad as it ever has.

 

I don’t need to explain to you that it has been Hayley who has been hit the hardest by the run up to this week. The constant days at home with nothing to do but contemplate “what-if’s”, the incessant monitoring of Camille’s every move, every look and every word. Hayley’s tiredness from the pregnancy means that she is constantly drained; the inevitable negative thoughts that parade around her mind take her energy down to an all-time low. It’s impossible for Hayley to look at this scan with any lasting degree of positivity; where I see the glass as half full, Hayley sees it as bone dry.

 

Needless to say, my contribution to daily life has been pretty weak over recent weeks. Aside from my new job taken me away from the house for massive periods of the working week and forthcoming training excursions that will leave me only able to get home for one day a week; but of course my ability to help Hayley emotionally is as useless now as it was in 2009. If you want to know what I’ve been like just refer back to the early days in the blog. I have no idea what to do to make things better; it’s probably because deep down I know that no matter what I do or say, there is nothing that will make this easier for Hayley. There are no words of confidence that will make a difference; Hayley will even say them herself from time to time before slipping back into the negative thoughts. The only thing I could think that could help is to allow Hayley space to rest as and when it is possible. Hayley doesn’t sleep that well leading up to scans, worse than normal nights, so a lay-in or an afternoon lay down may help, even just a little bit.

 

There’s no excuse for being useless, I don’t expect people to say “oh I see, don’t worry, you do your best”. I don’t think I do my best at all, but I do try to do what is right. Judgement has never been my strongest suit.

 

Let’s be pragmatic about this; Camille has never looked better, she’s doing so well. It counts for nothing I know, but Amos and Mr Garnett have always said that this is always the first sign of things going well. I don’t want to tempt fate by pressing this point too much.

 

Saying all of this, we’ve had a lovely day today. The girls attended their school’s harvest festival service at the village church first thing. I’ve made it clear throughout this blog that I don’t believe in religion, but I do see sense in the morals being expressed. I feel uncomfortable asking for forgiveness; I’m not entirely comfortable with the consistencies being expressed. Nevertheless, I was brought up in a household that used Christianity as a fundamental basis of how to live life and I don’t see any harm in my girls following suit. They’ll be able to make their own minds up which religion, if any, they choose to follow. I chose the non-believers route.

 

Soon after the church visit, we were stepping on to a vintage double decker bus for a trip around the town, laid on for free by the local transport museum. It was great fun for the girls and we followed it up with another ride; let’s face it, it was for free!

 

A swim and a bite to eat and we’re home ready for the X-Factor. When the girls were singing “Who put the colours in the rainbow? Who put the fish into the sea?” earlier, the only thing I could think of was Simon Cowell.

 

I was surprised this week to hear the news that I've managed to secure a place in the London Marathon for 2012. This is something I've needed to do again as last time I ran was just weeks before Camille fell ill. Every step will be dedicated to my brave little girl who has faced much more difficult experiences than a 26 mile run. Each two steps that I take will fit nicely with one word that will be repeating through my mind: "Cam-ille, Cam-ille" I've got ahead of myself and set-up a Just Giving page already, so if you do fancy pledging me some cash please visit www.justgiving.com/martinshave2012.

 

Please think of us this week, we need a non-event, a routine scan with nothing to report. Give us a break.